That Kind Of Woman: I think we realize a little more something about ourselves each time... →

I think we realize a little more something about ourselves each time we extend ourselves to others. It may be at the bus stop, with a smile and a hello. It may be a presentation at work or for school. It may be putting yourself out there to meet someone who lives a thousand miles away.

I am me. I don’t have to be the same person I was yesterday, or two years before that. That is such a blessed thing to realize. It’s so hard being accountable for other people’s feelings when things are out of your control. Distance, timing, or situation. 

We gave it a try, we met. Things were tough. Things were amazing. But, at the end of the day if I am not truthful to myself then what good am I to another person, especially another person who deserves me to be the fullest person I can to my fullest potential, then I am taking advantage of what they are willing to give.

I am not in a position to be in a relationship with anyone.

There. I said it. Actually, I dodged around that…

I do not want to be in a relationship right now.

Damn. That’s it. 

This I realize. It’s amazing to realize that, especially after years of not understanding why I couldn’t find “the one” to be with.

Because, (past me), you were and are so young. You are a baby in the world, your experiences are yours, not to happen once someone finds something worthy in you. I thought a lot of my potential as a person was wasted on the fact I was single. I mean, how messed up is that, to think that way as a 19, 20, 21 year old. My worth was determined in my eyes by the fact that someone wanted me.

Not to say I settled. I could have. I think everyone could settle. For someone who doesn’t treat you right, or who doesn’t make you feel happy, or any other reason. I was waiting for another person to affirm what I already understood about myself, but until they showed up I would half ass my relationship with myself.

Damn. When and where did that happen? 

What can I say? It was self doubt, insecurity and the overall feeling of being left out. You feel left out when you can’t find someone, especially when those around you seem to find a perfect equivalent. As I become more and more sure of the person I am, of what I am giving to the world as a whole, I realize that it was long overdue that I spend time cultivating myself. Doing things I like, getting better at activities I liked, doing things I wanted to. 

That leads to a different path, one that asks the question “What do I like doing?” and “Why?”. Then there is the whole “graduating college and spending a year in a topsy turvy world of possibilities” not that there is anything wrong with that. I have learned my strength, and weaknesses.

However, just because you know those things doesn’t mean you are suddenly complete. God, it sure doesn’t. I am a mess. I weep in the arms of my friends, I yell and laugh and dance in the company of kindreds. I make bad decisions. But, it’s how I handle the consequences. It’s okay to do bad things. It is, as long as you realize they were bad and you advance and adjust. 

So, I sit here. Realizing that I cannot be accountable for anyone but myself. I can’t. Not until I make a very conscious choice to merge my life with someone who also has realized that it takes a whole lot of self growth before you can grow as a pair. 

(Source: thatkindofwoman)